Did I Have Enough Faith?

Every time we are approached about an adoption opportunity, BJ and I always say yes, believing that God will close doors if this child is not meant to be ours. Although, I have learned not to put my heart in any situation until God clearly pushes us forward.

When we were approached about this last adoption opportunity in the early part of October, I was excited to see what God was going to do, but also very cautious. However, as time went by and we had more and more talks with the birth family, it appeared that this may very well be a viable adoption opportunity. I remember having to go to the store one night to get my father-in-law some medication, and I allowed myself to wander over to the baby aisle. “Well, should I?”, I thought. “Should I step forward in faith and buy our first baby item believing that God was going to allow us to adopt this child?” That night I bought a pacifier with a heart on it. This marked my first leap of faith into the unknown.

On Sunday morning, October 21, we received the call. I was at home taking care of Dad (who was bedridden at the time) and BJ was with the kids at church getting ready to teach and preach. We were both in shock . . . the birth mother's water had broke, a month early! That afternoon I took a flight out of Memphis and three flights later I landed in Baltimore, Maryland just shy of midnight. Some ladies I had never met picked me up at the airport and whisked me away to the hospital. And there SHE was . . . perfectly healthy, beautiful in every way, and so unaware of all the excitement and turmoil around her.

I was at the hospital every day that week with HER and her birth mom. It was a wonderful week of getting to know one another and making many special memories that I had hoped to share with HER when she was older. So many people were praying for HER. No one knew how much the drugs were going to effect her health, but God performed miracle and after miracle. She had little to no withdrawal symptoms!

On Thursday, October 25, the court granted temporary guardianship to me and BJ and SHE left the hospital that day with me. The next day BJ and the kids arrived and we were all so excited to be together again with our new baby sister. It was sheer bliss seeing the children hold HER as they grinned ear to ear. Even little Byron, who begged for a baby brother, was in pure heaven holding his new baby sister. We felt blessed beyond words. Praise Him! Praise Him!

Then on Sunday, November 4, BJ received a call from our attorney stating that the birth father was contesting the adoption. Our hearts sunk. That was the end of it. This father wanted this child and there was absolutely nothing we could do. (No one, not even the maternal birth family, thought the birth father would want anything to do with HER.) That day, all 6 of us sat on the bed and cried. Oh how it broke my heart to see the children crying and asking, “But I thought you said we could take HER home?” Little Abby, who had grown so fond of HER, cried herself to sleep in my lap. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of the my chest. I wept and wept. Why God? Why get us this far just to take HER away? Why do this to our children? Why God?

The next two nights I could not sleep. I laid awake feeding and holding HER, pleading with God to let us keep her. All night long I would beg, “Please God! Please God!” In fact, I even tried to reason with God on how giving HER to us would bring Him more glory. Why else would so many people be involved with this adoption, praying for and supporting us? If He stopped it now how would He receive the glory and fame due to His name? If He stopped it now it would only discourage people from adopting, and that is the last thing we want to happen. We wanted to share this journey with others to get them excited about adoption . . . “Please God! Please!”

Then, on Tuesday morning I felt the Spirit of the Lord lift up my countenance. I felt Him urging me to greater faith in Him, believing that ALL things are possible. I was reminded of the Israelites who witnessed miracle after miracle and yet they still wavered in belief when things did not appear to be going their way. Am I going to sit here wavering in my faith or am I going to BELIEVE that ALL things are POSSIBLE with God? I was convicted about my lack of faith and was reminded of Hebrews 11:6 - “Without faith it is impossible to please God.” So, I woke up everyone that morning and announced that God was going to do GREAT things and we just needed to believe. It was a roller coaster ride after that week. There were many ups and downs, but I knew that I HAD to have FAITH in Him. And I believed with all my heart that He was going to place HER in our home.

On Monday, November 26, I left Maryland without HER. It appears as if SHE will never be placed in our home. I spent thirty-seven days in Maryland (most of that without my family) and yet, God was sending me home empty handed. That Monday was one of the worst days of my life.

What happened? Did I not have enough faith? Did I not believe enough? Those two questions have popped into my thoughts many times over the past week. How could I feel so confident that God was calling me to BELIEVE (even when everything seemed impossible)? I believed that He could part the Red Sea. So many miracles happened while in Maryland. And God always met every need that we had. But why meet all the little needs and not our hearts' desire – to bring HER home? Why did it seem like He opened door after door to get us to Maryland just to let the adoption fail? What happened? Did I not have enough faith?

I received the following from a dear sister this week:

As we were studying scripture with the kids this past week, it occurred to me how many times Joseph's prayers must have gone unanswered. He had to have begged God with all of his heart not to allow him to be sold as a slave, not to have been falsely accused, not to have been thrown into prison. I then thought about him sitting there in that cold, dark prison, day after day for years begging that this would be the day that God would allow him to be freed. I'm sure that he must have questioned God time after time for not hearing or answering his prayers. We of course, see the big picture now and know all that God had planned during his lifetime.

I am so thankful that my friend shared this with me. It reminded me that God works in His own timing. While in Maryland, it felt like the Red Sea was before us and we needed IMMEDIATE help from God (part it NOW or we'll doubt Your goodness!) But that is not the case. God sees the big picture and I don't. Sometimes I think I see the big picture or think that my big picture is better than God's . . . But He alone is the Alpha and Omega – the beginning and the end.

Did I have enough faith? I can whole heartedly say that I believed God could do ANYTHING! Where I failed miserably is when I doubted His goodness when the outcome was not what we wanted. I may never understand why this adoption failed or why I spent 37 days in Maryland. But I do know that God is not through . . . He will faithfully continue His good work of hope and salvation in my heart, in HER heart, and all of those affected by this adoption.

Help me, Lord, to believe in Your goodness day after day.