BLOG site of Amy R. Maxwell

I am the wife of B.J. Maxwell (married August of 1997) and mother of our four adopted children.
I am blessed with the awesome privilege to care for & love my husband, invest in & love our children, and keep our home.
May I steward these gifts well, for the glory and praise of Christ Jesus our precious Lord & Savior!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus . . . sweetest name I know!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Grieving Process

Grief is a difficult thing. defines it as: keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret

There are days, or perhaps even moments, when I grieve deeply over the loss of my womb. Indeed, it feels like a suffocating "sharp sorrow." This weekend has been one of those moments. I guess it all started last week. I woke up one morning feeling sick to my stomach, and my first thought was, "I might be pregnant!" I have lived almost 10 years of my life in those kinds of moments . . . wondering, hoping, and almost believing that I could actually be pregnant. But then the cold reality of my barrenness strangled every joyful thought. I am not pregnant, nor will I ever be pregnant.

Some moments it feels like a nightmare. Will I ever wake up? I can barely utter the word - hysterectomy. I cannot even look at my scar; and I am repulsed if I happen to touch it. What have I done?

War wages within me . . . Truly, I am so excited about the new woman I am becoming. God is (and has already done) such a work of grace within me. I am humbled at His transformation of my heart and home. Yet as much as I love the "new" self, I fear and mourn what could have been if I had not had the surgery. This frustrates me. I hate these feelings of regret and sadness because I feel like I am being ungrateful towards God and questioning His will. So when I have days (or moments) of intense sorrow, I feel guilty and sinful. How do you reconcile these conflicting feelings?

God is a good Father. I am grateful that He does not shield His children from pain and sorrow. I must praise Him for this process of mourning and the fruits of righteousness it will produce.

Psalm 119:28
My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your Word.

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