I experienced many dark days following my hysterectomy. It is difficult to explain the great sadness that I was experiencing, but I see now that it was a time of trial and suffering specially crafted for my soul – for my sanctification. God knew exactly where to break me and where I needed the most refinement.
On July 7, 2007, I journaled the following passage of scripture -
“You shall remember all the ways which the Lord your God has led you into the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.” Deuteronomy 8:2
When I wrote down this verse, I had no idea how much this verse would hold true in the weeks to follow. God led me to a place where I was humbled and tested. It is there that I discovered what was really in my heart. My heart had become calloused over by sin -apathy, fear, pride, idolatry, and bitterness. There were days of great sadness and weeping as I wondered if I was even saved. How wretched! But though God held me ever so closely to the fire, illuminating ever crack and imperfection, He did not let go. And though the heat of His furnace may have felt unbearable at times, the beauty of His work in me (and my home) far outweighs all the pain and anguish.
July 14, 2007
“The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart.” Proverbs 17:3
“He will sit as a smelter and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, so that they may present to the Lord offerings in righteousness.” Malachi 3:3
That same day I journaled the following question:
“What impurities does God desire to remove from my life so that I might present pure offerings of righteousness (i.e. acts of obedient faith)?”
It is simply incredible to look back through my journal and see a common thread through all of my entries . . . FAITH! And though I had forgotten about this entry (and particular question), God has forever seared this desire on my heart. Sure, it was a big step of faith (for BJ and me) to have a hysterectomy. And I believed that if we surrendered this area to God He would bring fulfillment in our longings to have more children. But how little my faith was in my expectations of God . . . for He brought about floodwaters of faith and fulfillment that have overflowed into pure offerings of righteousness!!
And let me say - I literally feel like a NEW WOMAN since my surgery. I physically feel wonderful. (I have not felt this good since college or even high school.) And spiritually God has taken me to new, greater heights of Christ exalting FAITH! I am no longer entangled in fear or sorrow. But each day is a glorious opportunity to worship! How marvelous!
Journal entry on July 19, 2007
“I must persevere even when it does not make sense. When I have lost my life, for God’s purposes, I will find greater life!”
I pray that I will always remember the month of September in 2007. For it was during this month that I began letting go, losing my life for God’s purposes. It wasn’t that I got up one morning and decided to “lose my life”. In fact, I wasn’t even really focused on doing this. But the Lord awakened my heart, day by day, to let go. What did I let go of? I do not even know where to begin . . . fears, time, my home, my heart, money, possessions . . . Every day has presented a new opportunity to lose my life to Christ Jesus. I pray that I will persevere.
God alone as revived my soul. He has breathed a fresh spirit within me. As I once felt like Jonah descending to the depths of the earth, I can now proclaim, “but you have brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. I will sacrifice to You with the voice of thanksgiving!” (Jonah 2:6, 9). It was not I that decided to walk by faith . . . but rather, it was God who reached down and plucked me up from the pit of my despair and placed in me the ability and desire to live in Christ Jesus! Oh, the depths of His love and mercy! Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him!
August 5, 2007
“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6
**Upcoming BLOGS: Specific applications on how God has changed my heart